Alpha Episode 30: Let Me Tell You About Penis Ouija

March 14, 2017

Roxy finds a group of exiles in her lab and Dirk gets jeered. Jane enters the game finally but doesn't prototype anything. Isn't that supposed to be the worst thing? Also that's not a metor, that's a space ship piloted by Her Imperial Condescension. Drik and Roxy come out of their rooms to find a destroyed world in the future. Meanwhile Andrew Hussies nurses Spades Slick and gets a nasty houses guest. Karkat argues with himself again, Rose tells Dave what's going on and Dave and Karkat makes some art. John has a birthday and Terezi meets a new face.

Earth-C Episode 2: Let Me Tell You About Meteors

March 11, 2017

We rejoin young John Egbert as he prototypes his kernel and finds out there's a meteor about to crash into his house. Uh oh! We also meet young Rose LaLonde, who is trying to help John while dealing with a power outage and a raging storm. Can Rose help John escape from the meteor bearing down on him!?

Alpha Episode 29: Let Me Tell You About Relationship Drama

March 7, 2017

We learn all about this Dirk Strider guy. Well it's kind of impossible to learn ALL about him. He loves Lil Cal, rap battles and My Little Pony. Dirk however has some problems, namely the fact that he doesn't know how to confess his love for Jake and he's constantly harassed by an AI based on himself who reveals deep insecurities he has about himself. But fuck that Dirk puts the head of HB on a pike! He's so cool. We also meet a mysterious new troll in a pretty blue dress. Meanwhile Jane tries to confess to Jake and blows it as bad as she could and Jake says he's ready to explore the adventure of human sexuality. Roxy holds a funeral for her fallen cat, but something else is in there with her.

Alpha Episode 28: Let Me Tell You About Roxy and Dirk

February 28, 2017

Ashley and Molly find Jane recovering from an assassination attempt only to be plunged into another assassination attempt! She finally agrees to trust the mysterious members of their party and reads some equine literature. We finally learn Roxy and Dirk’s names as their rooms are revealed to us. Not revealed is how these kids are living as they claim their parents are dead. Ashley and Molly get comfortable in the same room, have some booze and hit on some robots. It’s fiiiiiiine.

Earth-C Episode 1: Let Me Tell You About Jules

February 25, 2017

So it's come to this. It finally happened. The dark gears of Let Me Tell You About Homestuck turn ceaselessly, unendingly, and one Julie Low has accidentally caught herself stuck in the teeth of the machine known as LMTYAHS. We jump right into the opening of the comic and talk about this dork named John Egbert. Why is he trying to pull off a disguise to walk around his house at 13 years old???

These episodes SHOULD go up every other weekend if possible.

Alpha Episode 27: Let Me Tell You About Corpse Parties

February 21, 2017

Jake shows us around his island as we get a look at some frightening fauna. Roxy calls about wondering about his wriggling day and talks about being pale with him and Jane. Wait, how does she know what that is? Dirk finally talks and he and Jane discuss the dangerously annoying Lil' Seb. A joke from act one pays off and Jane finally gets the mail. Meanwhile John finds out it's going to take them three years to get to the new session and sends a lewd letter to Karkat. Meanwhile the meteor crew turn their back on the bodies and that goes about as well as it always does. Also sloppy makeouts.

Alpha Episode 26: Let Me Tell You About Jane and Jake

February 14, 2017

Ashley and Molly return to Earth, but not everything is as it seems. Molly is back to knowing nothing about Homestuck. Why are people trying to kill Jane Crocker, heir to the Betty Crocker empire? Why does Jake English have stuff that looks a lot like Lord English? Who is this strange troll talking to Jane? Why does Jake have lusus bed sheets? Who let Roxy have booze? Why are all these kids so THIRSTY????

Alpha Episode 25: Let Me Tell You About Cascade

February 7, 2017

Molly and Ashley discover the secret locked behind a door in Doc Scratch's apartment. He tells them and his secret protegee about the history of trolls, specifically before they scratched their game. Andrew Hussie jumps into the comic and finally becomes a real character. The scratch finally happens, people die, people ascend, suckers are revealed and the promise of a new universe awaits.

Alpha Episode 24: Let Me Tell You About Choices

January 31, 2017

Ashley and Molly have to pick up the panels after Doc Scratch beats up a ruffian. This leaves with an alarming amount of free will. They have a variety of stories to choose from! Are they going to read about Dave and Rose and who is piloting the now very real suicide mission? Or maybe they are going to hear the sad story of Vriska meeting a John who doesn't seemt to remember her? Perhaps they'll find out what the returning Davesprite knows about the true nature of denizens? Will they find what is behind the locked door in Doc Scratch's apartment and who "she" is? Will they be reunited with Jade and Karkat as they talk about frogs and receive an impossible task? Or maybe they'll get in a rap off with Gamzee and Tavros for some reason. Of course, the answer is "All of them." That's the only answer when you have free will.

Alpha Episode 23: Let Me Tell You About Scratch Doctors

January 24, 2017

Well hello there. The girls known as Molly and Ashley have run into a bit of a snag. Their disc has been scratched and it's going to take until the end of Act 5 to fix it. How dreadful. Well it would be if a gracious host didn't come to their rescue and show them hospitality. Truly they are so lucky. I show them some people who are not so lucky as one of the favorites of the podcast is killed off and another is in grave mortal danger now. The girls do seem to like my apartment and go on and on how Homestuck plays with the canvas of webpages. As fires are lit and Felt are killed they are only beginning to know the full extent of my power and influence. Ha Ha. He He. Ho Ho.

Episode 27: Let Me Tell You About Troll Romance

January 22, 2017

AT LAST, THE EPISODE EVERYONE HAS BEEN WAITING FOR. WE ARE GOING TO TALK SO MUCH ABOUT ALL THE DIFFERENT WAYS TROLLS JERK OFF INTO BUCKETS SO THAT MUSCLEBOUND DRONES CAN PUMP THEIR GROSS SEX-GOOP INTO A HORRIBLE WORM MONSTER THAT SQUIRTS OUT GROSS LARVAE. HAPPY JANUARY TWENTY-SECOND EVERYONE

Alpha Episode 22: Let Me Tell You About Disc 2

January 17, 2017

Rose has gone Grimdark and this means that she now has one track mind to kill Bec Noir. She meets up with John who finally learns the fate of his dad. Dave grieves(?) for his bro and then tries to get his sword out of him. Terezi interrogates Dave for his feelings as he starts to open up. Terezi meanwhile is getting ready to fight Vriska but ends up getting involved in trying to find Homestuck Disc 2. Soon there will be a Scratch

Alpha Episode 21: Let Me Tell You About Informants

January 10, 2017

Molly and Ashley find out why exactly you never turn your back on the body as another troll body gets added to the pile. Doomed Dave has a conversation with a very much alive Aradia. She explains how Homestuck's after life works and then tells a group of friends just who that mysterious Doc Scratch is. Doc Scratch has a conversation with one of his many protegees and Rose finally goes dark.

Episode 26: Let Me Tell You About Troll Neuroses

January 7, 2017

Troll culture is weird. And violent. And WEIRD. and it turns out that when you combine that with the emotional turbelence of adolescence, it creates PROBLEMS. Vriska can't decide if she wants to murder everyone or be loved by everyone. Equius is an aristocratic racist who just wants to be dommed SO BAD. Karkat is deeply ashamed and embarrassed by the color of his blood, and feels the need to keep it a closely-guarded secret. And it seems like everybody, EVERYBODY, is obssessed with romance. But that probably won't come up in a meaningful way. Also Ashley spends like ten minutes explaining the plot of the last Twilight movie to me??

Episode 25: Let Me Tell You About Vriska Serket

January 5, 2017

That's right, everyone! It's time at last for us introduce the best worst BEST character in all of Homestuck, the one and only Spidertroll. She makes a big splash in her first appearance, mind-controlling Tavros into throwing himself off a cliff and thereby kickstarting a horrible chain reaction of revenge that forever scars the bonds of friendship between our Alternian buddies. Aside from that though, who's this white-text douchebag?

Alpha Episode 20: Let Me Tell You About Murderstuck

December 27, 2016

Things are going about as badly as they could for our troll friends. Karkat is on the run from multiple murderers. Kanaya, Feferi and Tavros are all dead. Terezi vendetta against Vriska is making her miss real danger. Gamzee has gone on a murderous rampage. Eridan is somewhere in the meteor and one of them seems to have developed a taste for blood. It's not all doom and gloom. John meets WV and they have a great time in a flying car. John and Jade talk about sinking ships and Vriska opens up about her thoughts on killing.

Alpha Episode 19: Let Me Tell You About Breeding

December 20, 2016

Andrew Hussie reveals himself as not Lord English and takes us on another recap that Ashley doesn't read. Jade learns some stuff about herself by talking to herself and a Karkat that seems much nicer. WV has a nightmare that shows his darkest fears. Aradia finally explodes after saying goodbye to Sollux, but that doesn't mean she's dead. Vriska and Tavros finally have their showdown and they have a bad time. Kanaya talks to Jade about the mysterious breeding Space players must do and how their universe works. Eridan gets into an argument over meeting up with Bec Noir and there are deadly consequences as we start to enter a dark period of Homestuck.

Alpha Episode 18: Let Me Tell You About Being Santa

December 13, 2016

Do you feel the holiday spirit in the air? Do you hear the shitty JPEG aritfacted bells? It's Gristmas! Between opening and making gifts we see how Vriska went god tier in maybe the most grisly way. We see Jade make a ton of neat stuff. Dave confronts his own mortality and Terezi makes statements about luck. Then Jade does something and the most important character in Homestuck is revealed.

Episode 24: Let Me Tell You About ~ATH

December 10, 2016

Luke and Ashley dive deeper into Hivebent, getting acquainted with a whole mess of new troll friends, and the plot Sollux and Aradia are weaving to save the world through SGRUB. Well, that's what Sollux is doing. Aradia has... ulterior motives.

Alpha Episode 17: Let Me Tell You About Quest Beds

December 6, 2016

Jade is FINALLY in the game and now has to deal with all the consequences of what just happened, including talking to Bec. Dave assures her that everything is going to be fine and pirates a copy of a game. Rose finally reveals the plan she's been cooking up and it may have horrible consequences. John recovers from the windy thing and walks around town while Vriska talks to him about some special type of bed.