We pick up right from where we left off last week! Daniel is back from the worst timeline, he’s here to warn us about Apophis’ upcoming invasion, we’re good to go, let’s go, it’s time for a budget audit by a very grumpy Republican senator arguing in bad faith and trying to get the SGC shut down. Y-yayyy?

Even better news, this is a clip show! A significant amount of this episode’s runtime is made up of previous episodes, so you know what that means: a significant amount of this podcast is made up of previous podcasts, too. Enjoy the memories of the exquisite selection of episodes they pick. I had to see O’Neill’s old-man make-up again.

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Poor little Daniel can’t catch a break. He’s found a cool mirror on a planet, puts his greasy archaeologist hand on it, and whoops, ends up in a parallel universe where things are going sideways in a hurry. O’Neill’s a general, Hammond’s a mere colonel, Sam isn’t in the military and Teal’c has just the most incredible hair. Also, he’s a bad guy, and is currently in the process of annihilating human civilization, because this is the universe where Daniel told Catherine to get bent and walked out of her car. And also other things.

We’ll talk about Alternate Clinton and the brief tenure of President Gore, Goa’uld motherships and what counts as a landing platform exactly, General O’Neill and his lack of character development, tossing your whole planet away to help some guy from an alternate universe, Catherine being so nice and good and awesome and pure, and we finally, FINALLY, get someone sending a nuke through the Stargate.

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Comtraya friends, and welcome to an unusually industrial episode of Stargate, where the only person on this planet is super friendly, everything is fine, you’re better than before, and you can never leave now don’t worry about it! Isn’t it great that you’re immortal now and don’t need glasses anymore, and also that your job for all eternity now is to do emergency industrial maintenance on the facility that’s keeping you alive, because if you don’t, you’ll die? Comtraya!

We talk a little bit about how this episode kinda reminds me of Red Dwarf, briefly wonder if maybe Harlan is some kind of neurodivergent, which would explain a lot, we learn a lot about lubrication and burritos, and we spot how the facility they shot this episode in has definitely been used to shoot a bunch of other Vancouver-based TV shows.

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This week, Jack O’Neill and Samantha Carter get stranded on an ice planet. Or is it… a nice planet? The answer is yes! So we have a very straightforward, internal character episode on our hands here, as on the surface level we concern ourselves with survival in a frigid cave with a grievously wounded colonel to take care of, and on the other level we come up with strategies as to how to find our missing friends. On a between-the-lines level though, we deal with the fact that this episode pretty much kickstarted the Jack/Sam ship that would go on to define a vocal portion of the fanbase. And it’s all a lot thanks to acting choices and an ad libbed boner joke!

We also wonder, what DOES happen when you dial your own number now? And we deal with technical issues through the unfathomable power of AI. And we peek into the past and witness how they did have so much fun shooting their silly little space show.

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This week! We briefly visit Planet Tollan, home of the Tollans, who make up for their lack of creativity in naming things by being really advanced technologically, we’re talking Star Trek level here. We don’t stay there long though, as the planet is currently undergoing a cataclysmic volcanic eruption, and so we have to skedaddle out of there with a handful of survivors.

Of those survivors, one of them is Literally the Jigsaw Killer, and he’s none too thrilled at these Earth goobers acting all friendly while staring sweatily at his tricorder-type stuff, as it turns out these are literally the Federation, in that they also have a Prime Directive, and on this show it’s the protagonists playing the role of the pre-warp civilization. The other guy is friendlier, though! Unfortunately, he’s the kind of Ph. D that doesn’t understand concepts like “bird” or “bed sheets”. But what his mind doesn’t know, his heart makes up for it, god bless that himbo. Good enough for Sam, anyway. Also Maybourne is here! God we hate Maybourne. I hate little punchable Harry so much and I’m really happy he’s finally showed up.

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Well, this was bound to happen sooner or later: SG-1 dials to a planet that remembers Teal’c, and not in a good, fun-times way. In fact, the inhabitants of this confusingly medieval-themed planet immediately point crossbows at him and then put him on trial for war crimes. Uh-oh!

So in this very TNG-feeling episode, we have O’Neill cast in the role of the pragmatic realist, who instantly realizes that these people have no interest in giving Teal’c a fair trial and every interest in quickly condemning him, Daniel in the role of the well-meaning liberal who believes that playing by their rules will make them realize that there’s been a mistake, and Teal’c in the role of the repentant accused who insists that yeah, he DID kill that guy, and he DOES deserve to die for it, actually. Uh-oh! We also get Hammond absolutely washing his hands of this entire affair in a real disgusting way, because America, babyyyyy.

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Welcome back, glad to see you’re still with us after last episode. This one is better! We’re already at, by my count, the 4th Carter-centric episode, as well as the second one in a row, and they finally made a good one. The title and cold open makes you think this episode is about a black hole, but as it turns out, they pretty much forget about it immediately, and the titular singularity is, in fact, a cute, traumatized little girl whom Sam immediately takes a liking to.

Of course all is not as it seems, as the planet- and SG-7-ending plague that kicks this episode off turns out not to be an accidental contamination coming from our side, but a deliberate act of biological warfare from an unseen Goa’uld. And that’s only step 1 of her plan! Nirrti is a name you should keep in mind going forward, for the record. That’s right, we tricked you, this planet of the week is actually a secret arc episode. I love Stargate.

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Why? God, why? This episode is a mess! Here we have a big ol’ poop of a script, where an evil but sexy temptress in a terrible wig comes into the SGC with a bullhorn and a neon sign that scream “I am a Goa’uld”, and the boys just kinda let it happen. Emphasis on boys, because this is 1997, and this is a very heteronormative SGC that employs a grand total of four women, plus or minus a Teal’c.

So her royal highness Hathor easily finds her way into their pants and, most importantly, their hot tub, she has her way with Daniel’s, ahem, juices (no seriously), she turns O’Neill into a Jaffa but it doesn’t stick, she catches on fire (???) but then she’s fine anyway (???) and, god, I can feel my brain leaking out of my ears. We don’t even go to another planet this week. She goes to Chulak! Chulak! Where Apophis’ Jaffa live! What why just wh

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Underwater Kree to all you… tadpoles (?) and welcome to this wholly inconsequential episode where first we think Daniel’s dead, and then a fish yells at him for half an hour. While 75% of SG-1 is suffering from pretty severe PTSD after being made to believe their friend died tragically, he has to figure out what fate Omoroca. They have a military funeral with full honors, but what fate Omoroca? Jack holds a pretty well-catered wake in his honor, but again I must ask, WHAT FATE OMOROCA?

We’ll ask some questions of our own, such as: why is Hammond so heartless? How much beer is in that can? Who are these people at the wake? Can a hockey stick smash a car window? Does hypnosis even work anyway, and if so, how? And most importantly of all, what fate Omoroca?

Daniel Jackson death count: 3

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No but for real kree in this one, y’all, and furthermore, kel shak tek’ma’te, because we have a big damn Jaffa episode, featuring the introduction of the biggest and damnest Jaffa of them all, master Bra’tac! There is no end to the love we have for this old man, he of the skull cap, dad jokes and staff volleys. So it turns out Teal’c had a wife and son back on Chulak he neglected to mention at all until now, and it turns out they kinda need to go save the boy from prim’ta right the eff now.

We have plenty of words concerning throwing away perfectly good disguises , bringing only one Goa’uld thermos, the exact mechanics of how is Jaffa made, Oops All War Crimes, and it being yet another episode where they come home empty-handed. But could it be that the real treasure is the friends we made along the way? Especially when the friend in question is a bo master and also the bo shoots lasers? Who can say!

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Kree everyone, and let me tell ya, it’s really hard to talk around the fact that O’Neill fucks a baby in this one. Just gonna put my cards on the table right now about this. Someone went hey, we should have Colonel Jack O’Neill eat a roofie flower pizza and then accidentally have sex with a baby. Then he turns into a prospector and they spend 40-something minutes talking about it.

Over the course of this terrible episode, we’ll also discuss the fact that Dan-El sounds like a kryptonian name, we’ll question how the Argosians can possibly learn anything or have a functioning society in the short lifespans they have, we’ll also notice how quickly they are to turn their entire belief system upside-down as soon as an angry colonel tells them to, and we’ll point out that Pelops is Lovin’ It.

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Kree with us, SG-1 and Apophis to a magical forested fairyland where everyone’s favorite Ferengi will tell everyone that he would really like if they all just got along already and stopped it with all the fighting. Please leave our planet. Please stop dying and killing us and just leave. For the love of— LEAVE, SG-1, GOD DAMN IT.

We’ll also talk about the frankly unreasonable secretary of defense, Shak’l’s lovable shittiness, the Air Force’s advanced level 3 fletchery training regimen, the Nox’s frustrating and confusing principles, their mysterious technological level, how Teal’c can possibly not know about Apophis’ personal shield, and how Apophis straight up tortures a child to death in this episode.

Daniel Jackson death count: 2

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M, Jimmy-Dean and special guest Jack take over the show to talk about the first episode of everybody’s favourite Vancouver filmed 90s Sci-Fi tv show about Wormholes. That’s right, Sliders (1995).

We talk about Jerry O'Connell’s surprisingly extensive career, bad physics and the physicists who take no responsibility, the friendzone, why more sci-fi needs washed up Motown singers, half remembered plots of other Sliders episodes, systemic societal problems that have not changed since the 90s and CONTROVERSIAL OPINIONS. They left three very digressive people in charge of the show, I don’t remember everything we said.

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This episode is so sad! Seriously, it wrecks me every single time. This week, Stargate SG-1 tackles grief, and deals with some real heavy, complicated human emotions, relationships being torn apart by tragedy, guilt, and hiding your emotions behind a sense of humor as a man who’s been raised not to show weakness. It’s a lot!

But fear not, we also get Carter and Daniel being some total nerds who spend their weekend at the office doing science, Teal’c really desperately wanting to see the sights and sorta getting his wish (and his first funny hat), we discuss the distance between Chicago and Cheyenne Mountain and O’Neill’s frequent flyer status, and Jimmy-Dean mentions The Boys and I hear The Voice and go on a nonsensical tangent. I was pretty tired towards the end there. Big week-end.

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And lo the Lord spake, Kree my children, and welcome to Stargate’s very blatant, let’s say homage, to the classic war novel Heart of Darkness.

Meet SG-9, or what’s left of it, after their leader has gone absolutely bugnuts, killed their Daniel, had their Carter go along with it, and had their Teal’c just barely manage to call for SG-1 to come bail them out of both their Jonas Hanson problem and their Bad Sun problem. We’ll get to see the sky turn orange, enjoy a lot of scenery-chewing, see Teal’c try and fail to seem friendly, and in a question-raising first, see a horizontal Stargate.

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Ooga booga kree, cavespeople, and wonder as our heroes once again bring something dangerous back home through the gate! It won’t be the last time.

This week, we also meet Dr. Fraiser, see an interesting astronomical phenomenon they don’t do anything interesting with, and Daniel gets really into the bulls, phrenology, and getting his face mauled in repeatedly. Plus, please stop calling Teal’c Lucy, that is plainly and evidently not his name. Please.

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Kree, I’m gonna level with y’all, it’s a real bad one. An absolute dogturd of an episode. We got Mongols and they’re sexist as hell and it’s even worse than you think.

But we have a good time dissecting this particular pile of puke, in large part because Shang Tsung is in it. But so’s a lot of assumptions about non-white people and the threat they pose to white women, Daniel being a real shithead in the name of anthropology, bad gender assumptions copy-pasted on a culture it didn’t fit, good cute puppers being dubbed over with angry dog noises, honor fight to the death genre blindness, and Teal’c asking what an Oprah is.

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Kree! (means Listen, and is not the name of this Goa’uld) This week, we conclude the opening run of arc episodes leading us to the show’s initial status quo, with a very sad, grim episode. Everything kinda sucks right now. The Goa’uld are mean, the Pentagon is mean, everyone is mean. Teal’c is good though, even though this week he might have good reason to wonder if maybe joining with these Tauri was such a good idea.

Topics will include 90s CG computer scanners, the startling lack of security in the control room, the now weekly So Just How Do Stargates Even Work Anyway, Daniel being a so very sleepy sleepy boy, and we’ll treat you to our very good Bill Clinton impressions, lucky you.

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