Let Me Tell You About Homestuck - Beta Universe
Alright listen LISTEN. sometimes these episodes have weird starting and finishing points. Sometimes there's not a great narrative thread to connect all the pages we cover over the course of an episode. And sometimes... *sigh.* Sometimes you have to listen to Tavros ineffectually hit on Jade for 20 straight minutes. But you all know what's coming next week right? It'll be great!
Jade's finally made her way into the Medium, which means she's taking the first steps toward becoming a hero! Of course, the fact that she brought a prototyped Becquerel in with her means that even the weakest enemies in the game are now borderline invincible, but, y'know, I'm sure she'll figure something out! Meanwhile, Rose reveals a bit more of what seems like an increasingly misguided plan while Ashley takes a moment to discuss porn???
Faced with fatalistic certainty, Vriska decides to embrace the circumstances of everyone's doom. If the immortal demon must exist, then she'll be the one to create it. She unleashes unspeakable horror onto the world, every world. But she also begins to build the hero that might just one day destroy it, if he's lucky enough to beat her to the punch.
Also, me and Ashley talk about tattoos a bunch???
THE WAIT IS OVER. After an unplanned hiatus of an unFORGIVEABLE length, LMTYAHS Beta is back! Luke and Ashley explore the final leg of Hivebent, as Karkat discovers and then tortures himself with Trollian's memo system, Terezi schemes to exile Jack Noir, and Aradia rediscovers nihilism as the fate of the trolls reveals itself to be completely set in stone. They overcame a nearly impossible challenge, and were still denied their reward. It's so infuriating! Why if they discovered that 4 kids out in the multiverse were somehow responsible for what happened, they'd be SO mad.
AT LAST, THE EPISODE EVERYONE HAS BEEN WAITING FOR. WE ARE GOING TO TALK SO MUCH ABOUT ALL THE DIFFERENT WAYS TROLLS JERK OFF INTO BUCKETS SO THAT MUSCLEBOUND DRONES CAN PUMP THEIR GROSS SEX-GOOP INTO A HORRIBLE WORM MONSTER THAT SQUIRTS OUT GROSS LARVAE. HAPPY JANUARY TWENTY-SECOND EVERYONE
Troll culture is weird. And violent. And WEIRD. and it turns out that when you combine that with the emotional turbelence of adolescence, it creates PROBLEMS. Vriska can't decide if she wants to murder everyone or be loved by everyone. Equius is an aristocratic racist who just wants to be dommed SO BAD. Karkat is deeply ashamed and embarrassed by the color of his blood, and feels the need to keep it a closely-guarded secret. And it seems like everybody, EVERYBODY, is obssessed with romance. But that probably won't come up in a meaningful way. Also Ashley spends like ten minutes explaining the plot of the last Twilight movie to me??
That's right, everyone! It's time at last for us introduce the best worst BEST character in all of Homestuck, the one and only Spidertroll. She makes a big splash in her first appearance, mind-controlling Tavros into throwing himself off a cliff and thereby kickstarting a horrible chain reaction of revenge that forever scars the bonds of friendship between our Alternian buddies. Aside from that though, who's this white-text douchebag?
Luke and Ashley dive deeper into Hivebent, getting acquainted with a whole mess of new troll friends, and the plot Sollux and Aradia are weaving to save the world through SGRUB. Well, that's what Sollux is doing. Aradia has... ulterior motives.
IT'S TIME. Luke and Ashley take the plunge into the fifth act of Homestuck, and spend some time getting themselves properly acquainted with the trolls. They learn about Karkat's love of bad romcoms and bad programming languages, Gamzee's prophetic religious beliefs, and Terezi's insatiable thirst for justice. Also, there's a password screen at some point? Eh that's probably nothing.
With half of this podcast leaving Hivebent and the other half entering it, it might be a good time to pause and take stock. Also I think my past self promised to do this episode during an angry fit it was throwing at my even paster self? Who knows. Anyway, I recap the first four acts of homestuck, which is generally considered the first part of the story, and the "classic flavor" version before things started getting weird with trolls and cherubs and a bunch of other kids and weird crap. See you later this week for the start of Hivebent!
If your fate is set in stone, how can your decisions matter? What's the point of knowing the future if there's nothing you can do to change it? If the game is rigged from the start, why bother playing? And most importantly: why does John love Con Air so friggin' much?
Chess pieces both figurative and literal are moving into place as the kids' Reckoning rapidly approaches. Jack Noir murders the Black King, WV assembles an army, Rose and Dave suit up, and I BLOW ASHLEY'S MIND when John takes a fateful trip into the Veil.
Hug your loved ones tight John, because things are about to take a TURN. Luke and Ashley watch as John kills himself and forces Dave to consign an entire timeline to oblivion to save him, while Jack Noir finally lashes out and claims his bloody, brutal destiny. All the signs seem to point to the future being unchangeable and unescapable. But if that's the case, then what does it mean that the kids are apparently doomed to failure?
SPOILER WARNING: We talk about The Big Act 6 Reveal in this episode because Ashley already sort of knew about it! If you're new to Homestuck, skip ahead at 1:04:00 to 1:07:00.
The pieces are beginning to fall into place as the kids dig deeper into SBURB and Luke and Ashley dig deeper into Act 4. They learn about the roles the exiles play, the complicated time travel nonsense the trolls have gotten themselves tangled up in, and the alchemiter's upgrade system. The trolls' Seer arrives on the scene, taunting our heroes and threatening to murder them. And most importantly of all, Luke makes good on a very important promise.
Dangit Ashley, way to scoop me on "Let Me Tell You About LOWAS"!
Ashley and I take our first, stumbling steps out into the Land of Wind and Shade. We learn about secret wizards, crumpled hats, and the sacred nature of frogs. Before we can even stop to catch our breath, Rose enters her own world, the Land of Light and Rain. As she fondly regards the Lisa Frank notebook she's been banished to, Dave and Jade get to work setting up Dave's session, and our friends in the distant future bask in the glow of the human emotion called friendship.