Let Me Tell You About Homestuck - Alpha Universe
Roxy and Callie have some alone time as they figure out the mysteries of space, void, spikey balls and being Space Gay. Dave finally opens up about his life with Bro and he and Dirk wade through the murky waters that they find themselves in. Kanaya gets a helping hand from a friend. Vriska tears herself down as a relationship collapses. Jane meets Nana and Jake wonders if this is it. Tavros eats a button.
It's about to get awkward as families finally meet and get to know each other. Roxy finally meets her mom and her daughter. Two weenies talke to each other. Terezi and Vriska get gay. Dave meets his mommy, wait SHIT. The trolls have shit talk. Dave talks to his computer brother. Two weenies talk about how Batman sucks.
We are given the illusion of choice once again, but sadly the glitches have messed even that up. Dave is confronted by Jade who say he must be the one to kill Lord English. When Dave refuses a mayoral threat is made. Kanaya gets very mad at Jane before succumbing to unfathomable bloodlust. Dave is confronted by Jade who say he must be the one to kill Lord English. Then John comes in and makes things awkward. Rose and Kanaya try to have a talk and Terezi goes clown hunting. Dave is confronted by Jade who say he must be the one to kill Lord English. John is confronted by John who tells him to meet a girl. John meets a girl and tells her about Homestuck
Karkat and Dave (through speaker crab) decide it's finally have an intervention. No not for Rose's alcoholism that is getting worse every day but for Terezi becoming a juggalo. Caliborn is making his way through a series of planets and picking up some green gnomes/leprechauns/Felts along the way. John falls asleep and Davesprite flies away like a piece of lovable shit. John meets up with a roving band of pirates and gets told the story of just how cherubs do it. Terezi wakes up and sees her friends, Karkat relates to teens, Dave finds out about communism.
Roxy finds a group of exiles in her lab and Dirk gets jeered. Jane enters the game finally but doesn't prototype anything. Isn't that supposed to be the worst thing? Also that's not a metor, that's a space ship piloted by Her Imperial Condescension. Drik and Roxy come out of their rooms to find a destroyed world in the future. Meanwhile Andrew Hussies nurses Spades Slick and gets a nasty houses guest. Karkat argues with himself again, Rose tells Dave what's going on and Dave and Karkat makes some art. John has a birthday and Terezi meets a new face.
We learn all about this Dirk Strider guy. Well it's kind of impossible to learn ALL about him. He loves Lil Cal, rap battles and My Little Pony. Dirk however has some problems, namely the fact that he doesn't know how to confess his love for Jake and he's constantly harassed by an AI based on himself who reveals deep insecurities he has about himself. But fuck that Dirk puts the head of HB on a pike! He's so cool. We also meet a mysterious new troll in a pretty blue dress. Meanwhile Jane tries to confess to Jake and blows it as bad as she could and Jake says he's ready to explore the adventure of human sexuality. Roxy holds a funeral for her fallen cat, but something else is in there with her.
Ashley and Molly find Jane recovering from an assassination attempt only to be plunged into another assassination attempt! She finally agrees to trust the mysterious members of their party and reads some equine literature. We finally learn Roxy and Dirk’s names as their rooms are revealed to us. Not revealed is how these kids are living as they claim their parents are dead. Ashley and Molly get comfortable in the same room, have some booze and hit on some robots. It’s fiiiiiiine.
Jake shows us around his island as we get a look at some frightening fauna. Roxy calls about wondering about his wriggling day and talks about being pale with him and Jane. Wait, how does she know what that is? Dirk finally talks and he and Jane discuss the dangerously annoying Lil' Seb. A joke from act one pays off and Jane finally gets the mail. Meanwhile John finds out it's going to take them three years to get to the new session and sends a lewd letter to Karkat. Meanwhile the meteor crew turn their back on the bodies and that goes about as well as it always does. Also sloppy makeouts.
Ashley and Molly return to Earth, but not everything is as it seems. Molly is back to knowing nothing about Homestuck. Why are people trying to kill Jane Crocker, heir to the Betty Crocker empire? Why does Jake English have stuff that looks a lot like Lord English? Who is this strange troll talking to Jane? Why does Jake have lusus bed sheets? Who let Roxy have booze? Why are all these kids so THIRSTY????
Molly and Ashley discover the secret locked behind a door in Doc Scratch's apartment. He tells them and his secret protegee about the history of trolls, specifically before they scratched their game. Andrew Hussie jumps into the comic and finally becomes a real character. The scratch finally happens, people die, people ascend, suckers are revealed and the promise of a new universe awaits.
Ashley and Molly have to pick up the panels after Doc Scratch beats up a ruffian. This leaves with an alarming amount of free will. They have a variety of stories to choose from! Are they going to read about Dave and Rose and who is piloting the now very real suicide mission? Or maybe they are going to hear the sad story of Vriska meeting a John who doesn't seemt to remember her? Perhaps they'll find out what the returning Davesprite knows about the true nature of denizens? Will they find what is behind the locked door in Doc Scratch's apartment and who "she" is? Will they be reunited with Jade and Karkat as they talk about frogs and receive an impossible task? Or maybe they'll get in a rap off with Gamzee and Tavros for some reason. Of course, the answer is "All of them." That's the only answer when you have free will.
Well hello there. The girls known as Molly and Ashley have run into a bit of a snag. Their disc has been scratched and it's going to take until the end of Act 5 to fix it. How dreadful. Well it would be if a gracious host didn't come to their rescue and show them hospitality. Truly they are so lucky. I show them some people who are not so lucky as one of the favorites of the podcast is killed off and another is in grave mortal danger now. The girls do seem to like my apartment and go on and on how Homestuck plays with the canvas of webpages. As fires are lit and Felt are killed they are only beginning to know the full extent of my power and influence. Ha Ha. He He. Ho Ho.
Rose has gone Grimdark and this means that she now has one track mind to kill Bec Noir. She meets up with John who finally learns the fate of his dad. Dave grieves(?) for his bro and then tries to get his sword out of him. Terezi interrogates Dave for his feelings as he starts to open up. Terezi meanwhile is getting ready to fight Vriska but ends up getting involved in trying to find Homestuck Disc 2. Soon there will be a Scratch
Molly and Ashley find out why exactly you never turn your back on the body as another troll body gets added to the pile. Doomed Dave has a conversation with a very much alive Aradia. She explains how Homestuck's after life works and then tells a group of friends just who that mysterious Doc Scratch is. Doc Scratch has a conversation with one of his many protegees and Rose finally goes dark.
Things are going about as badly as they could for our troll friends. Karkat is on the run from multiple murderers. Kanaya, Feferi and Tavros are all dead. Terezi vendetta against Vriska is making her miss real danger. Gamzee has gone on a murderous rampage. Eridan is somewhere in the meteor and one of them seems to have developed a taste for blood. It's not all doom and gloom. John meets WV and they have a great time in a flying car. John and Jade talk about sinking ships and Vriska opens up about her thoughts on killing.
Andrew Hussie reveals himself as not Lord English and takes us on another recap that Ashley doesn't read. Jade learns some stuff about herself by talking to herself and a Karkat that seems much nicer. WV has a nightmare that shows his darkest fears. Aradia finally explodes after saying goodbye to Sollux, but that doesn't mean she's dead. Vriska and Tavros finally have their showdown and they have a bad time. Kanaya talks to Jade about the mysterious breeding Space players must do and how their universe works. Eridan gets into an argument over meeting up with Bec Noir and there are deadly consequences as we start to enter a dark period of Homestuck.
Do you feel the holiday spirit in the air? Do you hear the shitty JPEG aritfacted bells? It's Gristmas! Between opening and making gifts we see how Vriska went god tier in maybe the most grisly way. We see Jade make a ton of neat stuff. Dave confronts his own mortality and Terezi makes statements about luck. Then Jade does something and the most important character in Homestuck is revealed.
Jade is FINALLY in the game and now has to deal with all the consequences of what just happened, including talking to Bec. Dave assures her that everything is going to be fine and pirates a copy of a game. Rose finally reveals the plan she's been cooking up and it may have horrible consequences. John recovers from the windy thing and walks around town while Vriska talks to him about some special type of bed.
Molly and Ashley are very happy to return to Jade but there's no earthly way of knowing what she's dreaming about. She gets into a conversation with two different Karkats. Rose is even more spooky and has a crystal ball. Dave is hanging around Derse reading books. John finally learns how exactly they fuck everything up and we realize it's consequences as we have our first death.
Molly and Ashley finally live their dreams and be Karkat (along with Vriska and Terezi.) They talk to their companions, give orders about not sleepingand RP'ing. As they go deeper into the meteor they uncover secrets about the past and the not too distant future. Meanwhile in the kids session John is connecting with Jade, Dave is from the future, Rose is still creepy and Jade is MIA.
After finally learning Kanaya's name Rose then asks if she knows anything about the mysterious and capitalized "Green Sun." Kanaya tells Rose that she can't see her in the future. Terezi starts looking at a cool kid and gets paid. Jade falls on a bed and instantly falls asleep. John gets a nifty new outfit and starts to learn some troll names. Dave cries and then commits fraud on the stock market with himself. Karkat gives romance advice and learns about incest. WHAT AN EP!
Molly and Ashley return to the kid's universe, we finally see what happened to them after tragedy struck. First Karkat has to hit on John who's wearing some odd PJs and they plan to meet up. Jade jumps into bed and Rose begins to take everything apart. We learn the answer to a mystery we didn't know was a mystery and have a lot of trans timeline talk. Wait, no not that kind.
Molly and Ashley FINALLY wrap up the section of the comic known as Hivebent. Just what are the feelings between the Sea Dwellers? What's the deal with Dream Lives? Has Molly seen The Never Ending Story? Are memos really hard to voice act? Is Karkat the best at romance? What is THE SCRATCH? Did Karkat and Terezi fuck??? We hear the answer to some of those.
Molly and Ashley are STILL in Hivebent and it's time for Ashley to take Molly to school. Well, if school specialized in fictional alien romance and reproduction. We learn about a hatred of frogs, get a mobius reacharound. meet a fashionable Twilight Fan, watch a fan favorite character bully a kid in a wheelchair and finally meet two undersea royals.
Molly and Ashley continue through Hivebent as they continue to meet all these new characters. There's a guy who like being STRONG and everyone favorite spider girl. Our hosts deal with a murderous lusus, have a cybering session, learn a character was dead all along, deal with the first Homestuck break and meet an excellent host.
Molly and Ashley meet some more trolls including a bee hacker, a boy with big dreams, a shipping cat girl and a very spooky girl with no interests. Bad puns are told, cute cat names are said and cursed viruses are run. We meet Rufioh who is fake and not real. Molly and Ashley make weird wrestling jokes and we learn of a demon who is already here.
Welcome fellow trolls!!! It's youur friendly host Mrtyuu Sappho (that's me in the album art!!!) and I'm here with my morail Yrfrin Mollly. I think youu'll really love this episode!!! We make all sorts of fuunny voices and talk about ouur weird planet!!!
Okay that joke is already getting tired. Ashley and Molly do get to Act 5 and start reading the turning moment of the comic known as Hivebent. What does Molly think about all these new characters? What's the deal with this spooky girl? Why does Sollux say they're all going to die? Just how good is Terezi? Some of these quuuestions are answered!!! Wait, shit.
Molly and Ashley are getting neck deep in the Homestuck shit, but first they have to watch Dave make a bunch of mostly useless bullshit. We watch a Betty Crocker Factory blow up. Then we watch John make his parents, his friends and himself. Then we watch as everything goes bad as we end Act 4.
Ashley and Molly return from their brief flirtation with fourth wall breaking to talk to more trolls, take some shortcuts and crash into Rose's house. Presents are opened, secret PTA meetings are held, questions are asked and big men have the answers,
Ashley and Molly are left to pick up the pieces of what went so horribly wrong last time as we learn about doomed timelines. John goes on a jetpack ride, Rose falls asleep, Dave talks to himself and Jack Noir takes control. Also Andrew Hussie shows up so we talk about horse paintings and he tells us about Homestuck.
Molly and Ashley are greeted with a giant eggy looking thing, some trolls with bad attitudes and worse rhymes and a touching reunion between two groups that just met. The kids make their way through their lands while being harassed by aliens and the exiles have a royal meeting. Molly learns about Troll movie culture, GC threatens to murder a child and everything goes horribly wrong.
Molly and Ashley finally bust out of a confusing intermission to finally see the new world John has found himself in. They walk around a bit, take in the local culture, meet a secret wizard and use funny voices. Also bad decisions involving shaving cream are made.
Molly and Ashley enter the bizarre world of the Midnight Crew. Well, bizzare in a different way then what Homestuck usually is. We get up to our asses in time travel, eggs and biscuits, Problem Sleuth references that Ashley loves and just general mayhem. Also we try to unravel how exactly this whole thing connects to Homestuck proper. Oh, and we see one of those trolls people keep talking about.
As another person falls into the Homestuck fold, so to does the dark engines of LMTYAHS start again. Ashley is now joined by her friend and Totally Reprise co-host Molly to dive deep into the webcomic. They discuss what Molly has read so far, meet an Aimless Renegade, discuss just how cute baby Jade is and just when things pick up we are thrust into the world of The Midnight Crew.
These episodes should come out on Tuesday for the foreseeable future.